A daring vacationer in Vienna is walking through a graveyard on Halloween when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where it’s coming from. She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, “Ludwig van Beethoven.” Then she ...
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”. She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I ...
Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? Why do you have to “put your two cents in”…but it’s only a “penny for ...
Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks. The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, “I think they could be bird tracks.” The second blonde went to look and said, “No, I think these are deer tracks.” They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She ...
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger. First Blonde: I can’t seem to get this door unlocked! Second Blonde: Well you better hurry up. It’s starting to rain and the top is down! ...
A blind man was waiting to cross the road when a dog stopped and cocked its leg against him. The blind man felt in his pocket for a sweet, bent down, and offered it to the dog. A passerby remarked what a very kind act that was considering what the dog had done. “Not at all,” said the ...
Fred: Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days? Harry: No. Why? Fred: Well, your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday. ...
The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep. ‘Excuse me for disturbing you, ma’am,’ he said politely, ‘ but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I’ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with ...
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general’s body, with the general getting to select any pair of points ...
An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth-control pills.” Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?” The woman responded, ...